


XO

by paralleltonone



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied Drug Abuse, M/M, implied alcohol abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-05
Updated: 2012-12-05
Packaged: 2017-11-20 09:17:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/583726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paralleltonone/pseuds/paralleltonone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam and Zayn couldn't exist as Liam and Zayn. They couldn't just be, and be themselves. They had to exist as Liam and Zayn under an influence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	XO

          Liam and Zayn couldn't exist as Liam and Zayn. They couldn't just be, and be themselves. They had to exist as Liam and Zayn under an influence. Liam and Danielle could be; Zayn and Perrie could. They didn't need whispered rendezvous and dark corners or far apart places to be affectionate. They didn't need brightly colored circles or bottles and glasses of burning liquid. Liam and Danielle could blast their outings in digital frames to millions of followers. Zayn and Perrie could step out into the world’s view with lips locking. But Liam and Zayn couldn't. They couldn't just be Liam and Zayn.

          But they wanted it. Liam and Zayn wanted it so bad it hurt them in ways neither could describe. Emotions that welled inside but weren't emitted aloud, sending throbbing aches throughout Liam's chest. Needles of permanent color traced over Zayn's skin far too often for no reason other than he thought the pain served as punishment enough for the things he did, all the sins he had no plans to stop committing. Pain. Mental. Physical. Emotional, soul-crushing pain. All because they longed to be, not just Liam and not just Zayn, but Liam and Zayn as one, and they couldn’t. But they wanted to be.

          So, they did sometimes. They existed when heads turned the other way, when lights went out in neighboring hotel rooms, when they could afford a moment to lose themselves and be less than of sound mind. In the stillness and silence without a witness because Liam feared the inevitable. Less than sober because Zayn said if they didn't remember when it was over then they’d done nothing wrong, couldn’t be blamed for acts they couldn’t recall.

          There were times, though, when Liam wanted to remember. Times when he wanted it ingrained in his memory how Zayn's lips and honey-toned hands felt as they drew imaginary marks across his body while he lied beneath him completely at Zayn’s mercy, and the sound Zayn’s voice took on when he whispered his name, as if that and those three words he never let them fall off to sleep without saying were the only words he knew how to speak, and all Liam could think was how no one knew the Zayn he knew, the Zayn he wished he could share with the world. So, there were times when Liam kept himself in a state of mind to implant the pictures and touches in his membranes. Times when Liam pushed the tablet beneath his tongue until Zayn's attention was elsewhere and he could be rid of it or he watered down his glass unbeknownst to Zayn.

          There were times when Zayn wanted the same. Times when Zayn wanted to remember the way Liam’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled when Zayn told him he loved him, the sincerity in Liam’s voice when those words were returned, and how Liam always looked at him with utter and complete happiness and drooping eyelids before they fell asleep, and all Zayn could think of was the irony of the person everyone saw Liam pretend to be, but then there was the Liam that Zayn saw, the only one Zayn saw when he looked at Liam. So, Zayn allowed himself a chance to hold onto those thoughts sometimes. Times when Zayn thought _Liam's_ attention was elsewhere, but brown eyes did, in fact, notice an unopened bottle nudged under the bed out of sight despite Zayn saying he'd finished it or a brightly-colored sphere find its way inside of water-filled porcelain.

          Those rare moments of sobriety between them that Zayn thought they shouldn’t have were the moments Liam longed for, wanted all of the time more than anything. He wanted to have that memory of when he was at his happiest. He wanted to be able to think about all of their times every waking moment he had and even in his dreams because those thoughts made it as real as he wanted it all to be. He wanted to love Zayn in the way the majority of the human race loved, and not because a heavy liquid made him forget himself and let his feelings flow without a second thought.

          Zayn didn’t like the mornings he woke up with bits and pieces or nothing at all. He wanted to keep all of those moments that reminded him of why his life wasn’t as bad as he thought it was, those moments that kept him alive. He wanted to be able to take random periods in his day to reflect on every break of silence filled with words spoken that hit Zayn to the core and Liam staring at him as if he were the end all, be all, sending a feeling through Zayn that made him hope that opening his eyes wouldn’t end the dream he’d lived the night before. He wanted to love Liam all the time, and not because a euphoric rush told him to.

          The affection and memories weren’t always there the way they both wanted, but the love existed. It was there all the time. It was clouded in the remnants of alcohol-laced and pill-popping nights, but it was always there. It was overlooked by those who saw and yet didn’t, but it was there. It took a backseat to hand-holding and kisses with those they’d lost feelings for before they’d even settled, but it was there. With every tiny little particle of his being, Liam was in love with the person he wasn’t supposed to love, and Zayn loved him back just as much. But every circumstance around them told them that Liam couldn’t love Zayn, and Zayn couldn’t love Liam either because Liam and Zayn couldn’t exist. They couldn’t just be. Still, they held hope that they would, even if their shared vices and mutual depression from longing for the other made that hope a permanent reality somewhere far from Earth. They only wanted to be, and be themselves, and be together.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: [livewhilewereforeveryoung](livewhilewereforeveryoung.tumblr.com)


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